Help! We just broke up!

Ending a relationship is a very difficult experience. While the person is still alive and well, we often tend to grieve and loss of the relationship as if it were a death. The feelings associated with experiencing a break-up can be overwhelming and confusing. Some of the common relations to a break-up include...

Denial: We can't believe that this happening to us and that the relationship is really over.

Anger: We are angry and enraged at our partners for putting us through this.

Fear: We are frightened by the intensity of our feelings. We are fightened that we may never love or be loved again. We are frightened that we may not survive our loss, but we will do so.

Self-blame: We blame ourselves for what went wrong. WE replay our relationship over abd over, saying to ourselves, "If only I had done this. If obly I had done that", "I should have, I could have".

Sadness: We cry more than ever for we have suffered a great loss.

Guilt: We feel guilty, particularly if we choose a relationship. We dont want to hurt our partner, yet we dont want to stay in a lifeless or unhealthy replationship.

Disorientation and confusion: We dont know who or where we are anymore. Our life is completely different. We have lost our bearings.

Hope: Initially we may fantasise that there will be a reconciliation, that the partying is only temporary, that our partner will come back to us. As we heal and accept the reality of the ending, we may dare to hope for a newer and better world for ourselves

Bargaining: We plead with our partner to give us a chance. "Don't go", we say. I'll change this and I'll change that is only you'll stay.

Relief: We can be relieved that there is and ending to that pain, the fighting, the torment, and the lifelessness of the relationship.
While some of these feelings may seem overwhelming they are all "normal" reactions. They are necessary to process of healing, so that we can eventually move on and engage in other relationships. Be patient with yourslef.

Also keep in mind: Allow yourself to feel he sadness, anger, fera, and pain assoiciated with the break-up. Denying those feelings and holding them inside will only prolong them.

Recognise that guilty, self blame, and bargaining are our defenses aganist feeling our of control and unable to stop the other person from leaving us. But there are some endings we can't control, because we can't control other person's behaviour.
Give yourself time to heal, and be kind to yourself. Try pampering yourself, asking for support from others, and allowing yourself new experiences.

Talk to thers. This can often give us perspective into your situation. If you feel "stuck" in a pattern and unable to change it, talking to a therapist can help.

back